It starts off with a bunch of annoying kids at a funeral because their friend’s mom died or whatever so he’s all bummed out, then it cuts to a few months later right away, which makes me say “wtf, why even show this shit, just skip right to the 4 months later thing”.  Anyway, some shit goes down and a train de-rails, the kids scatter and freak out.  Train parts all over the place, train station destroyed – all because some idiot drove his pickup onto the track.  By the way, the effects in this scene were HORRIBLE.  I could see right away the train wasn’t even real, LOL.  I mean c’mon, at least make the fucking train real.  This way you would make the shit authentic and also employ people in this fucked up economy.  But noooooo “let’s use CGI and once again fuck the entire movie industry because we can save $5 by using this computer shit”.

Next thing we know is that some shit is happening like the power lines in the area are missing, the cop car is smashed, and some gas station clerk gets taken away/eaten by some monster.  I still don’t know why the fuck this movie is called “Super 8″, maybe it’s because it dropped a “super 8″ dump on the audience, that’s all I can think of.

I watched about 3/4 + of this movie and realized that’s it’s a big steaming pile of Spielberg diarrhea.  WTF.  This ain’t ET and never will be.  Stop trying to impress the audience with ooohs and ahhhhs, who cares?  I just want to see something original and not some hot garbage that does nothing but play fuckery with everyone.

Flash forward to the end and this monster thing sucks up a bunch of metal to build some bullshit I guess to fly away to its home planet.  Ok, and? Fuck you Super 8, and everyone involved in this shit.

Don’t watch this movie unless you’re insanely retarded and have no common sense at all.  No, this doesn’t apply to me because I wasn’t aware of all this shit before I watched it, so now that you’ve been warned, go fuck yourself.

Now don’t get me wrong (or maybe it’s the beer in my system right now – and thanks to spell checking!), this movie is actually good, but it’s just that after the pedo-rape takes place, the movie goes downhill. I thought it was pretty entertaining that you have this girl that is constantly chatting with this guy named “Charlie” and he’s supposed to be her age – 14. Later on she sends Charlie a picture of herself so they can get to know each other a little more, and then she asks him for a picture back, which of course is the right thing to do. Does Charlie send her a picture of himself? Nope. Well not right away. He first tells her “I have something to tell you”, which in relationship-talk means “I’ve been fucking lying to you for the past 2 months but I’m sure you’ll understand my explanation because we connect on so many levels and you just GET me”.

“But I LOVE him, don’t you get it?”

Charlie reveals to this chick that he’s actually 20. She’s puzzled, asks WTF but then she bites and goes for it. What an idiot! Anyway, at that point he knows he has her trust so he goes ahead and sends her a picture of himself, which is totally not him. Or if it is, it’s from goddamn 20 years ago. A while later they’re chatting again and (I wasn’t paying attention) for some reason he’s all “I have something to tell you” (again). He then tells her he’s not 20, but 25. So this guy is not only a pedophile, but a constant liar! Run baby, run!

Of course she doesn’t run, she’s a little worried but hey, it can’t be that bad since he “GETS” you. You guys connect all over the place and on so many levels, if a scientist was measuring the energy coming from the both of you, his energy-measuring device would implode from all the energy energizing through it, like when God created lightning and stupid people.

She then meets Charlie at a mall, she’s waiting patiently and then some old dude (looks like he’s in his 40′s but the cops said 30′s, WTF that’s an insult) shows up and he’s all “Hey there”. She’s weirded out and then realizes “holy shit this is Charlie and he’s totally old”. Turns out this guy played her for the past few months just to get in her pants, and he does just that after their meetup. Well, not in her pants, but you know what I mean, they take off to a motel and roll around on the bed even though she’s totally against it… or is she?

“Are you sexually active? You can trust me”

After this, the movie takes a giant #2 and completely lost me. I kept hoping the father would find the pedophile and torture him slowly but what we’re left with is a 14 year old that is confused and actually standing up for the rapist! She totally wants to be with this guy and goes head to head with her parents over the whole thing. Ugh. Typical.

Fast forward to the end, everyone’s crying, the father included, and then guess what happens? Nothing! Fucking nothing! The credits start rolling and I’m going “dude, WTF”.

Not recommended. And if you still want to see this movie, go stick your head inside your ass instead, whatever that means.

So here we have The Incubus, a flick that takes place in a New England town (which is always the best for horror movies) and people are getting fucked up and murdered, which is always awesome. The movie doesn’t go into the history of why what’s happening is happening, all we know is people are being killed.

It starts off with a douchebag couple hanging out by a lake just chilling and the guy calls the girl a bitch for some reason then runs away. Hey, who’s the bitch here?!? Something happens (I won’t say what) and shit goes down. What’s cool about this movie is the music at the beginning, that’s what drew me in because to me that’s what makes or breaks a lot of movies. If you have good music and in this case, creepy music, then it will only help the movie.

After the attack, oh shit I just told you what happened, ah well fuck off. So after the attack we see the doctor show up and this guy goes WAY beyond being a doctor, this guy is on some next level shit because he’s like a doctor, cop, investigator and creepy looking all rolled up into one.

“Hello, I’m Dr. Serious”

The doctor is trying to find out what the fuck just happened and plus he’s worried because his daughter lives with him and I guess he doesn’t want her to get sliced up too. Speaking of the daughter, they have a weird fucking relationship I’ll tell ya. What kind of father looks into the bathroom when their daughter is showering? Or while lying on the bed having a conversation with their daughter, she leans in and kisses her father ON THE LIPS?

Who? I say, who?

This guy! That’s who.

Ya so we now see this guy who’s having wicked nightmares for some reason. His character is a bit over the top with the way he reacts like as if it’s the end of the world, and actually by the way he was acting I’m surprised the guy’s heart didn’t explode! It seems like the whole movie he was sweating, breathing heavy and freaking out. He also has this creepy grandmother and right from the beginning she looks like she knows something. Oh ya, she KNOWS SOMETHING. Tell us godamnit! Fucking old lady with her stupid glasses and hair in a bun.

Anyway, some more shit goes down like an AWESOME killing in a barn. It was the only gory part of the movie really, and it was dope!!! How often do you see a guy get a shovel shoved (get it?) into his neck???? Then as that happens, his trigger finger twitches and he shoots his OWN FOOT off! Sick! Unfortunately I don’t have pictures of that but you’ll love it.

There’s also a cool scene that takes place in a movie theater, for some reason I enjoyed that one the most. Who knows, maybe it had something to do with the girl sitting on the toilet. Man, maybe I have a problem.

Regardless, people are dying off and Dr. Serious is still trying to wrap his head around all of this because God forbid the policeman actually does! In a hilarious role, the cop is completely useless, LOL. The doctor is doing everything ahhah that cop should just shoot himself. But the movie goes on and people are being murdered.

She’s singing in the shower.

All of this comes to a weird ending which I wasn’t crazy about but I still like the movie a lot. I won’t give away the ending because that would make me a jerk. Yes, a jerk. But it was good, a nice surprise actually because I wasn’t sure who the fuck was doing the killing.

Dope movie. I recommend it with the lights off.

Mortuary is an early 80′s slasher flick featuring none other than a young Bill Paxton. The story revolves around a cloaked killer who targets a select group of people, and impales them with a nifty embalming tool. At the start of the flick, the audience witnesses the death of a man by a swimming pool, killed with a blunt object. We find out later that this character was the father of one of the lead female characters (Christie). From then, we’re introduced to another main character, Greg, and his friend who I can’t remember. They break into a mortuary where the friend works to steal some shit. They witness a strange cult ritual lead by the owner of the mortuary, and shortly after, the two get separated. Then we witness the first killing. After that we’re introduced to a few more characters, including Bill Paxton, who is the son of the mortuary owner, who happens to also be an employee there as well. Bill’s got a crush on Greg’s girl Christie, and makes it known. So basically bad shit starts to happen, Christie starts seeing the cloaked killer, weird things happen, people die, and about half way through the film, we get a good idea as to who the killer is. It looks like Mortuary was trying to cash in on the slasher boom of the 80′s and although it fails to succeed in scaring the audience, the flick wasn’t all that bad. The acting was typical of the era, nothing too great, lots of b-movie actors. The gore was not overly done, and the special effects were alright. Still nothing to get excited over. The movie ends with a twist, but leaves you unsatisfied. An average to below average horror flick from the 80′s.

A solid 2.5/5 I’d give it a 2, but the great music improved the score by .5

So here we have a movie titled Nightwish from 1989. It features a bunch of no name actors, but it does feature Brian Thompson, the rugged looking bounty hunter from the x-files, and countless other films/tv shows. Basically, the plot of this movie is that a bunch of student head to a supposedly haunted mansion with their professor to research some reported ghostly phenomena and other weirdness. At the start of the film, you have students in a lab being subjected to isolation chambers where they have fucked up dreams and all that good stuff. Then shortly after that, they head to the mansion. From here, everything just falls apart. The setting is quite nice, the house certainly has an eerie atmosphere, but it can’t save the awful acting and confusing plot. We find out that there’s alien parasites that leech of human flesh and no one can be trusted… at one point I just stopped watching the movie and got distracted by how bad it was. Even when paying attention, nothing made sense, it was like watching a train wreck in slow motion. I was really hoping that it was going to follow the classic ghost story plot, but then it got all stupid and everything just caved in. Some of the special effects were quite good, a little bit of gore here and there… anyways, I don’t know whether to recommend this one or not.
A solid 1.5/5 from me…  just too confusing…

Island of the Damned is a pretty fucked up movie from the 70′s. The story revolves around a couple that visit an island where the husband had previously visited years ago. The big difference between his trip now and back in his hay day, is that the main center of town is deserted. After searching around town for a bit, they rest up at a restaurant, where they confront a young child, who quickly runs off after failing to communicate.  After the husband finds a phone, he hears a woman’s voice on the phone, but the woman is speaking German, so he can’t understand, but realizes she’s in distress. Things on the island are not as they seem apparently. A while later, an elderly man pops up out of nowhere, and is brutally bludgeoned to death by a disturbingly cheerful young teenage girl. After the wife of the couple witnesses this event, she freaks out and from hereon, the shit hits the fan. We’re introduced to new characters, an older gentleman who knows that something is wrong on the island confronts the couple, saying that the children on the island have gone mad. Of course, he gets brutally mauled to death after being led by one of the children who tells the man they know where his child is.

From then on, it’s purely survival. The husband and wife are now being targeted by an island of crazed children, some wielding pistols and automatic rifles. Perhaps the most disturbing scene was when the couple are trapped in a room with a single window. A young child of maybe 3-4 pops up with a pistol through the window bars, and the husband has to make a quick decision on what to do. So he pumps the kid full of lead! I know that people are desensitized to death of violence, but it was indeed quite shocking, and can only imagine how people felt at the time of the movies release. The ending of the flick is quite the plot twist.  ****spoiler alert**** The man reaches the docks of the town, and a police ship can be seen docking. The husband waves for help, but the children, now in mass, are assaulting the poor guy and in order to defend himself, he caps a few more kids with his automatic! So you have all these little kids floating in the water, and bodies piling up by the docks. What the hell are the police going to think? So as they approach, the kids are yelling to the police that they need help! So the cops blast the poor husband. Poor bastard. Anyways, as they get off  the docks, one of the cops says “Who can do this do a child”, and then a group of kids encircle the police, and they’re all smiling! Classic. Anyways, the movie is pretty cool, the pacing might turn people off, but it poses a lot of interesting moral questions, and is not afraid to shock people.

A solid 3/5 from me!

Island of the Damned Trailer

The only cool thing I did see in these first 20 minutes was a cameo by James Franco who comes off as a total douchebag drug dealing club owner and gets blown up because of it.  Haahaha.

Apparently Seth Rogen is supposed to play the Green Hornet and be the superhero-du-jour but instead just came across as another actor trying to cash in on this comic book faze.  Kato?  Some guy named Jay Chou that I don’t think anyone has ever heard about.

I watched the beginning where Seth parties it up and his father hates him for being a lazy grown-up kid that hasn’t done anything with his life, then the father dies and Seth starts hanging out with Kato and they begin to trade stories about his father.  That seems cool, until I see Kato offer him a Corona and he KARATE CHOPS THE BOTTLE CAPS OFF OF 2 CORONAS.  Yes, he did.  That’s when I began to get bored with this stupid fucking movie and turned it off.

C’mon Hollywood, get back to making movies, not stupid cash machines that cater to mindless children that get a hard-on when they see their comic books come to life.

Here’s the trailer in case you give a shit:

Fool is warned by his grandfather that the Robesons are in fact brother and sister but live as a couple and keep tons of inbreds, talk about loco. However Leroy (Fool’s sister’s friend) has a great idea: he should rob the Robsesons’ house to revenge! The boy reluctantly agrees to assist him. Leroy first poses as a boy scout selling cookies and asks to use the bathroom, in vain. Then Spencer, an accomplice, pretends to be a government worker of some sort but is denied entry as well. Spencer doesn’t come back so Leroy and Fool decide to break in by force.

They discover a high-security environment with old fashioned furnitures. Fool ends up in the basement and realizes the rumors were actually true: the crazy “couple” keeps inbreds in the house, many of them are mutilated and reduced to being cannibalistic animals. The Robesons come back and shoot Leroy, killing him in the process.

As Fool searches for an exit, he meets an innocent young girl named Alice. Alice hides Fool in her room and tells him her “parents” have to lock the boys downstairs because they failed to be perfect; well they’re inbreds what do you expect? It’s unclear whether the Robesons are Alice’s biological parents but one thing’s for sure: she never saw the outside world.

Fool gets out of the house and call 911 telling the cops about possible child abuse at the Robesons’ home. The police enters the house but finds nothing. Fool decides he has to go back in to save Alice.

Fool gets in just before the police leaves, frees Alice and blows up the house with Mr Robesons’ explosives. As the house blows up, tons of dollar bills are ejected from the chimney. The locals are finally getting their money back!

I just love this flick! The grimmey, lo-fi aspect is very appealing and Brandon Adams (Fool) delivers a strong performance. Highly recommended. 5/5

It starts with two guys that are best friends, back-packing through the English countryside with plans to head off to different parts of Europe later on. On a cold night rocking a full moon, they quickly take shelter in a Pub/Inn in a tiny village. As soon as they walk in, they realize that they’ve walked into either something weird or straight up trouble. The music stops, all the people in there are just staring at them like they’re some sort of freaks from another planet, but they sit down to drink some tea and hopefully get something to eat when they notice a pentagram on the wall with candles, etc. One of the guys is uncomfortable with the idea of asking everyone why the pentagram is on the wall, but his friend asks anyway, only to be greeted with pure silence and stares again.

That’s when they’re told that there’s some evil shit going down around the neighborhood and they should take their backpacks and fuck off somewhere, but STAY ON THE PATH and don’t look at the moon or whatever. So they leave but of course being young, stupid, and American, they don’t pay attention to anything and also they GO OFF THE PATH. This leads to all sorts of fuckery because it seems like one little toe on the grass next to the path creates all sorts of chaos, which is exactly what they get! At this point, out of nowhere comes this man-beast thing that completely tears up one guy, leaving him all scratched up and mangled like a pretzel. The other guy (David) freaks out and runs off but then realizes he should go back for his friend. I know that’s the “noble” thing to do, but if my friend’s getting torn up by some evil werewolf beast, I don’t think I’m going to stay and fight this thing with my bare hands, fuck no. Sorry dude, you’re on your own. Anyway, David runs back, the werewolf is gone but then he appears and scratches him up, biting him, etc until the local guys from the Inn show up and blast the werewolf with their shotguns, putting an end to this shit.

David wakes up in the hospital with this hot nurse there by his side, and they quickly hit it off and you can tell right away that David wants to bang this chick so bad (at least that’s how I would feel). But then he starts to see shit, basically his friend keeps showing up as a ghost that only appears to David and he’s all torn up like when he died which completely freaks him out and everyone around him thinks he’s bat-shit crazy insane. Once he starts feeling better, it’s time for him to leave the hospital but of course instead of just wandering through the streets, the hot nurse offers for him to stay at her house.  And have sex too. His friend shows up at her house too, telling David that he’s now a werewolf because he’s been bitten and that he should just kill himself before he starts killing random people when the moon becomes full. The moon is full that night and David is chilling in the nurse’s house while she’s at work when he starts to feel like shit.

This is when some dope 60′s music comes on and David starts convulsing, falling on the floor and freaking out, kinda like giving birth I guess. Before all this CGI crap we see in movies, they had stop motion or whatever was used in this sequence, and it’s pretty fucking cool. We see him transform into a full-fledged werewolf! This is also the start of my favorite part of the movie – he goes on a killing rampage that night, eating up a bunch of locals, including this one random dude that’s coming home from work, just getting off the subway. Besides all the screaming, I’m sure he was probably saying “Dear ‘ol chap, care for some tea? Oh no, I just shite myself”. David’s going crazy and ripping people apart with some cool creepy/gory kill scenes.

As you can guess, this kind of shit goes back and forth for a bit where he’s killing or transforming and not realizing at first that he’s a werewolf, meanwhile he’s still got that hot British nurse that he’s banging. Basically it comes down to a hilarious end sequence where regular citizens are getting killed in horrid car accidents and mass hysteria ensues, with the final scene being David as a werewolf in an alley getting his head blown off right in front of the hot nurse. Sucks to be bitten, I guess.

Dope movie, highly recommended. Here’s the trailer:

Here we have this Norwegian movie that’s supposed to be about WWII Nazis that turned into zombies back in the day (they don’t tell us how or why) and now they’re haunting these snowy mountains and killing anyone that dares step foot in that area. It starts off with some chick that’s headed to a cabin to meet up with her friends for a get-away but she’s being chased by something that we can’t see yet. Then they show her friends having a great time, they all love each other and love being together, life is beautiful, etc. What’s funny is this one fat guy that is such a retard, yet the hottest chick of the bunch has a huge crush on him! WTF.

So they all end up at the cabin, drinking and playing games, chilling out, when the fat guy goes outside to the outhouse to drop a deuce. After he does his thing, that hot chick shows up and jumps all over his crotch while he’s still on the crapper! Plus to gross us out even more, he just finished wiping his ass, now she’s sucking on his fingers! Anyway, once he’s done he heads back inside while the hot chick takes her turn in the outhouse. That’s when she gets sucked into the toilet and then shitted out by a bunch of crazy Nazi zombies. At this point all hell breaks loose, first starting with the fat guy that gets killed in such a cool way – they poke their fingers into his eye sockets and then rip his skull in half! Brains fall on the floor, everyone flips out and goes bat-shit crazy insane.

The shit goes on and on, I honestly couldn’t tell you everything cause at this point I was either laughing or checking my email. All I remember is towards the end there’s the two wimpiest guys of the bunch and now all of a sudden they’re all hardcore, slicing up zombies – who keep popping up from under the snow for some reason – and they’re ripping out intestines (oh ya, the director must have an intestine fetish, I think it’s called YOUREFUCKEDINTHEHEADism).

Anyway, turns out these Nazis were after some gold that they had left behind from back in the day. I mean, really? That’s what it is? German soldiers run to the snowy hills in the 1940′s, freeze to death but somehow come back as zombies and feel it’s necessary to kill everyone for some bullshit gold that they can’t even use now because they’re DEAD. What? They’re going to walk into a pawn shop “Hey chief, how much for this watch? I got it from Berlin, it’s fucking dope, it’s got Hitler’s initials on it”. I realize this movie is supposed to be playing on the whole zombie genre but c’mon, it still sucked ass. If the director was trying to make the movie come across as a funny movie, he failed miserably because it looked like a horror movie just gone completely and utterly BAD.

Don’t be fooled by this trailer, they’re trying to make it look all bad ass, ya fuck off:

Don’t watch this shit.