I’m not into foreign films, once in a while something will catch my eye and look interesting enough to watch, but here’s this movie called Dead Snow that my friend told me about. “My buddy at work told me to watch this movie about Nazi zombies, he said it’s fucking scary as hell, let’s watch it on Halloween!”, said my friend. You know what? Fuck your co-worker and fuck this movie! This movie sucked so bad, if there were awards for the suckiest zombie movie in the snow, this would win hands down.

Here we have this Norwegian movie that’s supposed to be about WWII Nazis that turned into zombies back in the day (they don’t tell us how or why) and now they’re haunting these snowy mountains and killing anyone that dares step foot in that area. It starts off with some chick that’s headed to a cabin to meet up with her friends for a get-away but she’s being chased by something that we can’t see yet. Then they show her friends having a great time, they all love each other and love being together, life is beautiful, etc. What’s funny is this one fat guy that is such a retard, yet the hottest chick of the bunch has a huge crush on him! WTF.

So they all end up at the cabin, drinking and playing games, chilling out, when the fat guy goes outside to the outhouse to drop a deuce. After he does his thing, that hot chick shows up and jumps all over his crotch while he’s still on the crapper! Plus to gross us out even more, he just finished wiping his ass, now she’s sucking on his fingers! Anyway, once he’s done he heads back inside while the hot chick takes her turn in the outhouse. That’s when she gets sucked into the toilet and then shitted out by a bunch of crazy Nazi zombies. At this point all hell breaks loose, first starting with the fat guy that gets killed in such a cool way – they poke their fingers into his eye sockets and then rip his skull in half! Brains fall on the floor, everyone flips out and goes bat-shit crazy insane.

The shit goes on and on, I honestly couldn’t tell you everything cause at this point I was either laughing or checking my email. All I remember is towards the end there’s the two wimpiest guys of the bunch and now all of a sudden they’re all hardcore, slicing up zombies – who keep popping up from under the snow for some reason – and they’re ripping out intestines (oh ya, the director must have an intestine fetish, I think it’s called YOUREFUCKEDINTHEHEADism).

Anyway, turns out these Nazis were after some gold that they had left behind from back in the day. I mean, really? That’s what it is? German soldiers run to the snowy hills in the 1940′s, freeze to death but somehow come back as zombies and feel it’s necessary to kill everyone for some bullshit gold that they can’t even use now because they’re DEAD. What? They’re going to walk into a pawn shop “Hey chief, how much for this watch? I got it from Berlin, it’s fucking dope, it’s got Hitler’s initials on it”. I realize this movie is supposed to be playing on the whole zombie genre but c’mon, it still sucked ass. If the director was trying to make the movie come across as a funny movie, he failed miserably because it looked like a horror movie just gone completely and utterly BAD.

Don’t be fooled by this trailer, they’re trying to make it look all bad ass, ya fuck off:

Don’t watch this shit.