Super 8 fucking blows.  Maybe it’s because I’ve been drinking tonight so my judgement is cloudy but hey, I gave this shitfest a chance and it exploded all over the place, staining my walls and making my eyes vomit with this hot mess.  It’s like the seasons.

It starts off with a bunch of annoying kids at a funeral because their friend’s mom died or whatever so he’s all bummed out, then it cuts to a few months later right away, which makes me say “wtf, why even show this shit, just skip right to the 4 months later thing”.  Anyway, some shit goes down and a train de-rails, the kids scatter and freak out.  Train parts all over the place, train station destroyed – all because some idiot drove his pickup onto the track.  By the way, the effects in this scene were HORRIBLE.  I could see right away the train wasn’t even real, LOL.  I mean c’mon, at least make the fucking train real.  This way you would make the shit authentic and also employ people in this fucked up economy.  But noooooo “let’s use CGI and once again fuck the entire movie industry because we can save $5 by using this computer shit”. (Read More…)

So I was in the mood tonight to watch something different and I found this movie called “Trust” (like you didn’t know already, it’s in the fucking title). What’s this movie about? Well, I actually liked it because even though it’s a drama, it’s a current movie that has this girl that just turned 14 and she posts all the time online with her phone and her new laptop that daddy just bought her (thanks, Dad). We’re reminded of her chats early on and throughout the movie because the fucking shit pops up on the screen like a backdrop of teeny-bopper-talk, enough to make my head explode. No, really. My head actually exploded. Matter of fact, I just got back from the hospital after being there for about 10 minutes while the doctors re-attached my skull fragments by using an old school sewing machine. You had to see it, it was a nice machine from the 1930′s I think, it was Singer if I recall. Nonetheless, the procedure was much more entertaining than this movie. (Read More…)

First of all, I’m sick of all the comic-book-to-movie bullshit that is going on all over the place in Hollywood nowadays.  Why did I decide to try and watch this then?  Hell, I don’t know, I guess it’s because it’s popular and looked like it had some cool action in it but after watching about 20 minutes I turned it off, LOL.  Yes, LOL.

The only cool thing I did see in these first 20 minutes was a cameo by James Franco who comes off as a total douchebag drug dealing club owner and gets blown up because of it.  Haahaha.

Apparently Seth Rogen is supposed to play the Green Hornet and be the superhero-du-jour but instead just came across as another actor trying to cash in on this comic book faze.  Kato?  Some guy named Jay Chou that I don’t think anyone has ever heard about. (Read More…)

I’m not into foreign films, once in a while something will catch my eye and look interesting enough to watch, but here’s this movie called Dead Snow that my friend told me about. “My buddy at work told me to watch this movie about Nazi zombies, he said it’s fucking scary as hell, let’s watch it on Halloween!”, said my friend. You know what? Fuck your co-worker and fuck this movie! This movie sucked so bad, if there were awards for the suckiest zombie movie in the snow, this would win hands down.

Here we have this Norwegian movie that’s supposed to be about WWII Nazis that turned into zombies back in the day (they don’t tell us how or why) and now they’re haunting these snowy mountains and killing anyone that dares step foot in that area. It starts off with some chick that’s headed to a cabin to meet up with her friends for a get-away but she’s being chased by something that we can’t see yet. Then they show her friends having a great time, they all love each other and love being together, life is beautiful, etc. What’s funny is this one fat guy that is such a retard, yet the hottest chick of the bunch has a huge crush on him! WTF.

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“Teeth” is basically a movie about a teenage girl who suffers from Vagina Dentata. So hm … what is V. Dentata?

In mythology, that’s simply a vagina with teeth! Dawn’s (the girl) genitals love to bite (but only when abused I shall note).

The flick’s really predictable: a few severed male genitals, cut off fingers and even a p*nis eaten by a starving dog.

The directing courtesy of Mitchell Lichtenstein is low budget (in a bad way) and the actors are amateurish at best.

Probably not a good idea

I don’t understand how such a pathetic movie could end up at so many prestigious festivals (Gerardmer,Sundance,Berlin,etc…)

That’s what really enticed me to purchase the DVD (8 EUR or so). Don’t make the same mistake.

1/5

A remake from the cult classic from 1972, this new version of The Last House on the Left is actually good!  Can you believe it?

It starts off with some dude that’s getting transported by the cops, probably for killing someone (because later on you see he’s a complete psycho), but he manages to escape. Now him, his woman, brother, and son are on the run.

What I liked about this movie are the hot chicks in this thing. First we have the lead role of Mari whose face is ok but has a dope body and is an athlete (swimmer) so that’s enough to get me excited. Then there’s her slutty friend Paige who doesn’t hesitate to go into a motel room with this completely useless piece of a kid that I’ve ever seen. Here’s Paige:

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So here we have yet another remake of a classic movie. I’m not surprised that Hollywood decided to rape this one though, because they’ve run out of ideas for anything new and original.

The first time I heard that they were remaking A Nightmare on Elm Street, I immediately asked myself who was going to play Freddy Kruger. You know who? This guy:

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Garbage. Honestly, I watched the first 2 minutes of this movie and turned it off because I couldn’t be bothered with another film like this. Don’t get me wrong, I love zombie movies and Romero does them like no other but this is horrible.

The zombie genre can’t be replicated from the days of old like back in the 60′s when we were first introduced to Night Of the Living Dead. One thing that turns me off is the way it’s filmed today; horror movies are not going to look good with a crystal clear picture.  Good God it made it look like they were on a movie set! It’s not supposed to, it’s supposed to make me feel like I’m there and I’m about to get my face ripped off by a dead person.

Anyway, I’m not wasting more time on this piece of shit movie, here’s the trailer, see for yourself.

Director Scott Stewart makes an attempt to interpret his own vision of the apocalypse in this film. Starring some more famous acts like Charles S. Dutton, Dennis Quaid, and Paul Bettany, the film starts off with the angel Michael making his way down to earth, proceeding the cut off his own wings as some sort of act of defiance. From there, the story becomes somewhat puzzling and nonsensical… (Read More…)